Over the last 11 years, I have indulged myself in the whims of conspiracy theorists, religious fanatics, New Age spiritualists, dark art occultists, and more. The spiritual journey that this philosophical, experiential, and intellectual journey took me upon was one of imagination and the creation of my own reality. For years, in efforts to elevate myself to a status of significance to compensate for my own insecurities, I told myself that I was a goddess. I believed in my heart that I had a special purpose, a higher calling, and place of nobility among the people, and my experiences seemed to confirm my delusional convictions. However, as time went on, and I renewed my faith in a high power whilst grounding myself back into reality, I realized that everything that I had come to know, believe and understand on the path of enlightenment was, in fact, nothing more than an illusion.
Discovery of Self
As I became acquainted with the New Age illusion of being a Starseed or Lightworker – one who chose to incarnate into this lifetime to serve a special purpose and mission – I found myself feeling as if I had finally found the answer to my dilemma of being unemployed, undesirable, and unfulfilled. In my mind, at the time, I was actually a Starseed who needed to wake up to her divinity and realize her special purpose. I was here with millions of other “Chosen Ones” on a mission to consciously make the unconscious aspect of myself conscious so that I could fulfill my purpose of fighting the evil doers and Lords of Darkness on the material plane. It was up to me – up to us – to connect with the Galactic Federation of Light and the Ashtar Command to receive our orders, build a New Age spiritual business under the guise of health and wellness, and make my mark on the world with my unique talents and abilities!
Don’t get me wrong, I am a Seer, and I am gifted with prophetic dreams, but now that I have awakened from my illusion, I am more inclined to align my experience with Joseph from the Book of Genesis than with that of the multitude of YouTube psychics and channelers found on the internet today.
I did my time obsessing over the next event in my life by reading tarot cards (and trading readings with other readers who were just as lost and filled with anxiety as I was, if not more so), and in the end, I found that the only message I was receiving was one from myself – I saw what I wanted to see, and the cards virtually meant nothing. I was endlessly duped by my own desire to be more, do more, and feel like I was more than what I was – a mediocre person with no future in the life that I was living.
The Secret Cabal
In my journey to become who I was truly meant to be and to finally know and understand my True Self, I became a member of a spiritual group – a secret society – filled with real life sorcerers and occultists who practiced “black magick” (spell casting with dark or negative intent) among others. I found myself enthralled with the romanticism of being a part of something bigger than myself. I was fanatical about finally being one of the elites and knowing that I had a special place in the world among special and very important people. I found myself in a crowd of fellow outcasts who understood the mechanics of metaphysics and knew that the gift of prophecy was real, could be honed, and be used for a greater good. While some of those hopes and dreams were a reality, what I experienced with some of my fellow practitioners was nothing less than a nightmare – literally.
In my time of psychological, emotional, and material weakness, I allowed myself to compromise my own long-held values and convictions and engage in personal relationships that were not for personal growth or benefit but for the purpose of mutual benefit. On the surface, it seemed like a standard identity crisis gone horribly wrong, but on the psychological and metaphysical planes of existence, I was being tortured, deceived, gossiped about, betrayed, and hunted down. In this personal relationship, however, I was gifted the opportunity to learn the effects of the energetic exchange that takes place during intercourse.
The result of such an exchange left me – the Seer – with dreams about everything that could possibly be known about the person I was involved with. I saw his personal life, his family, his intentions, even others he had personal relationships with. The dreams and foresight drove me crazy, and seeking guidance from those who I thought knew more than me about these things left me with no answers or direction. I was lost, mocked, confused, and the one person I wanted to help me understand what I was dealing with was, himself, a charlatan who would rather tell me that what I was seeing wasn’t real in order to protect his own self-interest.
Talk about a psychological breakdown! After battling with ongoing spiritual battles in the dream realm where I was literally protected from a dream bullet being put in my dream brain, I gave in and tried the last and only thing I knew to do in response to the situation in order to get the nightmares to end – I gave my life to Christ. Yes, I know, it’s a cliché, but growing up in Georgia where there’s a church on every other corner, that’s the only thing I knew to do, and it worked!
One night, I laid in my bed, physically, psychologically, and spiritually exhausted from what I had experienced in the dream realm and in the waking world. I was literally in a spiritual battle, where I was performing rituals and ceremonial magick in order to protect myself and destroy those I perceived as threats. I remember saying to myself on that night, “Well, if it doesn’t work, then I’ll just have to keep fighting.” Then I said, “I give myself and my life over to Jesus Christ by way of his example of living a life of truth and righteousness.”
At the time – and to this day – I had issues with the mainstream narrative about Christ and his life here on Earth. I refuse to believe in a lack of accountability or personal responsibility, or the realization of one’s true place with God, due to a “Get into Heaven Free Card” given through blind faith, submission, and blind obedience. I not only held the church accountable in my repentance but also myself.
A Whole New World
Once I uttered those words, powered by the will of my intent, I instantly felt relieved. I felt as though an energetic weight had been lifted from my body. From that moment on, my spiritual battle with sorcerers ended, I pulled a Britney Spears and cut my hair off to get a fresh start, and since then I have been on a path of peace and growing prosperity.
Sure, there have been hiccups, but they usually arise when I fall back into my mind of spiritual weakness and return to the delusion that ceremonial magick will help me solve my problems. If anything, they give me more haunting nightmares that remind me that a more grounded approach to life with hard work, determination, and discipline will work out far better than one of power-seeking and spell casting.
There was never a magical solution to all my problems that came to me after meditating or invoking archangels. There was never a sudden manifestation of true love after consulting the cards – I actually found myself in one of the worst relationships I have ever endured from following a reading I received – there was only me, finally seeing the world for what it really is and allowing myself to forgive my past and start anew. The only magic was in me knowing myself and finding the courage to be myself without the self-delusion, whore-mongering, or conflict.
And yet, among this group of spiritual misfits was the central belief and mission to know ourselves better and gain a deeper understanding of the spiritual laws that govern humanity and the universe. Many of us are Christians, even if we don’t live up to the Glory of God (Romans 3:23), and despite the trials and tribulations that we were warned would be tough enough to take us off of our path to the Greater Light, I find that every traumatic experience I had served the greater good and the very purpose that it was supposed to – knowing the reality of this world and bringing me back to God.
Recently, I have contemplated the gravity of my experiences and what they have taught me. There is a Rosicrucian experiment that asks students of the philosophy to change the color of a candle’s flame from its natural hue to a color one desires to see – red, blue, purple, and so on – by using the power of the mind. At the end of this experiment, the student is prompted to contemplate the following question: Did the flame actually change color or was a color change only perceived without a real manifestation?
I find this to be the most important experiment of all the experiments found in the Rosicrucian teachings. It’s an experiment that illustrates the power of the mind to not only create but also deceive. Experiments with the same purpose are practiced in hospitals when patients are given placebos instead of actual medicine to see if the patient really needs the medicine or if the patient only thinks he or she needs the medicine. The outcome, when the experiment is done correctly with the right circumstances, yields the same truth – all is a matter of perception and the power of the mind is rooted in our ability to believe.
Be careful with what you allow to be suggested to you, for suggestions often mold and shape our beliefs, which can be equally healthy or dangerous.