Time and again I have faced the dilemma of having to choose between what I do want and what I don’t want. For most of my life, I went with my carnal mind and made choices against my best interest; I chose what I didn’t want. Now, I have finally allowed myself to digest the lessons that I have learned and refuse to go forward making the same mistakes over and over again. From sleeping with powerful men to settling for powerless ones and building careers rooted in power to settling for paths that leave me powerless, I have had a wide range of experiences that cause me to contemplate the quality of my consciousness over time. I’ve found that I suffered from an addictive personality that thrived on a lack of control. Everything, every choice, was based on impulse and the thrill of being spontaneous and taking risks. However, such a way of life is not sustainable, I find, and now I must slow down and cozy up with a life of more certainty as the next chapter of my life requires a bit more stability.
So how do I reconcile this new growth with my inherent desire for life and the experiences that come with it? How do I settle down and yet keep things exciting? What kind of work do I engage in? What circles should I run in now? How do I build long lasting relationships that will support me through the tough times? These are all questions that I am facing right now, and the last is by far the most important. As I continue with my mission of caring for my mother, I find myself troubled at times. I contemplate the day when I will no longer have my mother with me and how I will care for myself in various ways. I contemplate the fact that I am alone in this mission, as I have been virtually abandoned by my siblings who should be taking care along with me. I find myself heartbroken in the moments when I must calm myself and accept that my mother is no longer the person she used to be, and now I must take care of her far more than she can take care of me. It’s bittersweet to realize that nothing in my life will ever be what it used to be: where I live, my hobbies, the work I do, how I do said work, even my blog. There has been so much growth, but is this growth healthy?
Now I find that I made so many detrimental mistakes that I am not too sure I can recover from them. I am in an existential bind, trying to discover how to go forward. What career path do I want to take? How will I get there? Where should I put my focus? What kind of relationships do I want to build? Who will I build these relationships with? How do I cultivate high vibe relationships when I’m surrounded my so many mundane souls who are then balanced out by corrupted ones disguised as Light Bringers?
The process of figuring this all out is an arduous one, but one thing I have found is that I know who I am, and I have accepted that. This enlightenment has allowed me to define what I truly want in love and relationships. This revelation has lead me to understand what kind of relationships I need. Those built on understanding, unconditional love, lack of attachments and ownership, and an absence of obsessive behavior. Trust and loyalty are required in all aspects of my life, from personal friendships and romances to workplace partnerships. These relationships will be the foundation upon which my new life will be erected, and the temple of my illumination will be one of truth and honor inhabited by souls seeking to grow and evolve on the path to enlightenment.
Putting these new revelations to the test via active engagement will be the challenge, however, as I know that it will be a process to discern who has my best interest at heart and where my subsequent decisions will take me. I pray that my new choices will prove to be good ones that bring more light into my life, and I do no relapse into making the same old carnal and profane mistakes of my various past experiences and lives.