Posted on: April 22, 2011 Posted by: Felicia S. C. Gooden Comments: 2

The time has come,
For myself to reflect on the past years of my life.
To re-experience events,
And write out the effects.
 
If you aren’t ready to know my life,
Then don’t bother reading into it.
But I know that you are nosey,
So proceed with caution.
 
1987, I am born.
1991, I attend pre-school.
I had friends in Baltimore,
A decent life from what I can remember.
 
Then, 1993, we move to Stone Mountain, Ga.
The trouble begins.
I was the new kid that got picked on.
I can remember what was said, but why never comes to mind.
 
The elementary years were hard.
Trying to make friends,
And never able to keep them,
Thanks social extradition!
 
1998, middle school begins.
A new start, a new best friend.
A new interest,
In writing and death.
 
Actually, I had written my first poem.
It was about death.
Quite profound I was to only be 11.
But hey, no sign of psychological anguish.
 
1999, the party year.
We partied hard,
And I became more attractive than others, quicker than expected.
Now at 22, I understand the envy.
 
But at 12, wanting nothing but to feel included,
All I understood was hatred and pain.
Thanks to jealousy from others, and my own flirtatiousness,
I was deemed a hoe.
Interesting though,
The ones who gave me this title had given themselves up countless times,
To a countless number of people,
And I, the only TRUE virgin.
 
Tisk, Tisk.
I lose yet another good friend due to lies,
And from there, I am soon to be repressed and forgotten.
Even by those who tried to remain true through the rumors.
 
2001, High school begins.
Not the best time for me though,
By now I have been ridiculed to the point of non-existence.
Now what?
 
Children are cruel, and lucky for my peers,
We didn’t attend Columbine High School.
Although they were just trying to enjoy their youth,
Even on the account of my emotional being,
 
I was still hurt.
I was abandoned.
And yet no one can understand why I remain so quiet.
I have to be.
 
These experiences have caused me to clam up into a shell,
And do nothing but observe.
Because once I come out and let myself be known,
I am once again the victim.
 
2003-2005, I say fuck it!
I’m going to make the best of things, or at least try.
So sports, clubs, and opening my smart sarcastic mouth arises.
This had its pros and cons.
 
The lame girl who was supposed to be capable of nothing,
Was capable of much more than what those ignoramuses expected.
Including out smarting them.
By graduation, everyone suddenly remembered who I was.
 
And you all can die in your sleep and go to hell.
If you are reading this, and you are offended…
Then you are guilty and should commit suicide immediately.
Go ahead…die slow.
 
 
Call me crazy.
DUH bitch! I am!
And I am fine with my insanity,
Because it causes you to question your own sanity.
 
Now during those years,
There was more.
I lost two cousins, whom I did not know very well,
And was ostracized by my own blood.
 
My own family hated me along with my peers.
But I won’t wish death on them,
I have come to learn that my immediate family is full of hatred and envy.
All within themselves.
 
Quite uncanny if u ask me, but then
Anything is possible.
The one thing that my family doesn’t know,
Is that I was unable to be myself at home.
 
With no real friends at home,
I wasn’t the best at interacting with those my age.
I could tell they hated me,
And to this day I don’t give a damn.
 
Because they, unlike everyone else,
Can’t get rid of me.
My family swears I’m the sweet, but spoiled brat of the beloved aunt.
But goodness…If they only knew.
 
Still within those years,
I was raped and almost killed,
In the house I lived and grew up in for almost 16 years of my life.
And in that house, I was also in an abusive relationship.
 
In that house, my heart was broken.
In that house, my innocence was there and then it wasn’t.
In that house, I cried my heart out.
In that house, I attempted suicide.
 
No scars from that attempt though,
Because if I had gone through with my plan,
You would not be reading this right now.
I always say, if you’re gonna do it, then damnit do it right.
 
Also during these years,
My sexual orientation changed.
Following my inner desire to be who I think I am,
And I have been that way ever since.
 
Or so I thought.
I have never experienced a roller coaster so rough.
But in the end I have come out stronger, and those who have hurt me,
May as well be nothing.
 
I am no perfect angel,
I have had my karma come back to me.
But unlike most,
I learn from my mistakes. Making me the better person.
 
Bad relationship after bad relationship,
I am now alone.
Wanted by those with no genuine and positive intention.
I decline.
 
One real friend, and a great love from my mother,
A cousin who offers me her home,
And her children who try to make me feel like I’m a part,
Are all I have now.
 
Apparently, that’s all I need.
Because with that small handful of people,
My life has become much better.
Oh yeah, I have two brothers.
 
But neither one of them has their mind together enough to impact me,
I feel that soon I will have to take care of them.
And even with my pain and ever so often yearning to leave,
They are the reason I am still here.
 
From birth until death,
I will have no father,
And I will know and understand the fact that he never wanted me.
How tragic…
 
From birth until death,
I am just like my mother,
And I am fine with that.
Finally.
 
 
This is not who I am,
This is a reflection of my life and WHY I am.
A lover, a fighter, a bitch, a slut, and everything in-between.
You say there are others who have had it much worse than I.
 
But YOU fail to realize that everyone’s life is specific to that individual,
And even though we have all had different forms of hardships,
We are all equally fucked up mentally, emotionally, and psychologically.
How we deal with our lives is what makes us different.
 
So you have had the general bit of my life story.
Good for you!
Pass judgment if you like.
I am glad that you allow yourself to be so feeble minded.
 
For once I will have something to truly smile about.
My life is not a sob story,
Neither is yours.
I have decided to share mine with you and the rest of the world.
 
What the fuck are YOU doing with your spare time??

2 People reacted on this

  1. This was beautiful. I read this outloud to your brother so he can hear what how you have grown into such a beautiful and mature woman. Thanks for sharing your story.

Leave a Comment