Posted on: February 23, 2019 Posted by: Felicia S. C. Gooden Comments: 0

Karma is a cosmic construct that guides us through lessons we need to learn in each lifetime. However, there are times when our lessons appear to haunt us for our entire lives or over the course of multiple lifetimes. Sometimes we have yet to learn the lesson and in other instances, we have yet to let go of the lesson. Either way, we don’t have to live our lives in the eternal shadow of our mistakes and their consequences. Every lesson comes with the challenge of letting go and starting anew, and our inability to forgive the past and let go is often our greatest block in soul evolution. It’s time to release the burden and move forward.

Learning the Lesson

Mainstream spiritual teachings focus on the learning and even punishment aspect of karma – the part that focuses on judgement and justice being served, people getting what’s coming to them, good and especially bad. But the true essence of karma is merely learning soul lessons so one can move forward and elevate to a new plane of consciousness.
For me, my recurring lessons have been in two major areas 1) never compromising who I am and my morals, and 2) learning to trust and let go instead of clinging and forcing. The most tumultuous karmic lessons I’ve endured have been related to simply not being who I am and not allowing myself to stand true to my moral code.
For example, when I would normally be reserved and not sexually promiscuous, there were times when I was downright immoral, having no regard for any relationships involved.
Karma is linked more to intent. During those times of uninhibited sexual prowess, I didn’t intend to do harm to anyone; I actually sought pleasure and gratification – a way to fill an empty hole inside my heart and sometimes a way to fill empty pockets. It’s not that I had ill will toward what was a former friend, a man’s wife, or a co-worker’s girlfriend – I was just dysfunctional, arrogant and apathetic. My low self-esteem overrode my true moral code.
In reality, I don’t have sex outside of my own committed relationship and don’t dare bother with another woman’s man. I value love over money, am a complete homebody of a nerd and am a hopeless romantic. But I grew up in a community that was deeply saturated with the toxicity of the Black consciousness, was continuously picked on and bullied, repeatedly abandoned, and left with nothing to believe in myself other than what others said of me and the results of weak minds banding together against me. To add insult to injury, I grew up in a city where women were known for being strippers and whores, so it was virtually expected that I live up to such a norm to even be seen – and so I did. Against my morals. Against my values. Against everything that gave me value, I degraded myself.
These choices led to ongoing karma of not having the love and relationships I wanted as well as creating mortal enemies who want me to suffer for the rest of my life. My ex friend, to this day, wants me to suffer for the rest of my life for a transgression so minor and insignificant I didn’t even want her to know because, well, it didn’t matter and didn’t impact the end result of her relationship. My time as a mistress led to my lover also wanting me to suffer for the rest of my life, even though my conscience had been cleared, because he didn’t want to own his role and move on. Another instance simply didn’t go anywhere, though the attraction was mutual. While it was clinging and an inability to let go that led to the end of this pseudo-romance, there was still the legacy of disrespecting relationships, which is against my personal moral code.
In the end, I found that no matter what is going on, where I am or who I’m surrounded by, I shouldn’t compromise myself or act against my morals, especially when it comes to sexual expression and relationships. It just isn’t worth it.

Releasing the Burden

For a long time, I felt guilt over my former friend and ex-lover. I even allowed the former friend to bully me for a while due to the guilt. I felt I deserved it. I allowed the older man to block opportunities and chase me out of circles because I felt that I deserved it. I never fought back because I was able to own my wrongs. I believed it was my karma, and even though it hurt, I deserved it.
However, only recently have I realized that at some point I have to let these instances go. My love life, career, and spiritual life are not doomed because others are unable to let go of their pain. I am not sentenced to eternal suffering simply because that is what they want.
Their continued desire for me to suffer is a manifestation of their own inability to heal and move on. I do not have to stay where they want me to – in pain and darkness. Their pain and suffering are their crosses to carry. Their desire to see me suffer is their burden to bear. To allow peace and liberation to come to everyone, including and especially me, it’s time for me to remove myself and let it all go. It’s not on me anymore. I’m not responsible for their healing. Only mine. I have healed. I have learned. And now, I’m moving on.
As far as clinging and my own inability to let go, this manifestation of pure fear ruined every romantic relationship I have ever had, even the ones that never got far. In over exuberance over potentially finding the love I always desired, I became clingy. Sure, it’s a bit normal when you’re young because the love is new, but over time it became less about the newness and more about the fear of loss and fear of abandonment – fear of not being enough and being cheated on, the fear that my karma would come back through people not staying with me.
I chased away many a love, including the love of my life from my youth, with my clinginess. I wasn’t able to let go, even after I did. I couldn’t accept too much freedom because I feared that he would find someone better than me. I feared that I wouldn’t be enough, so I clung and said everything I possibly could to try to close the sale. I did this so often with so many people, fearing that I wouldn’t be enough in their eyes because I was never enough in the eyes of anyone else.
When I was doing too well, there was always some slight or some rumor or some judgement that led to people turning on me or abandoning me. I figured that would be the rest of my life. So, I clung to everyone that meant something to me, for fear that they, too, would leave me for someone or something perceived as better than me. But that was never the case. In reality, many wanted to love me or they already did. Yet, I feared the worst and acted out in ways that manifested what I feared. I created the abandonment I wanted so badly to avoid. I hurt and pushed away the ones who loved me when all I wanted was their love.
Now that I understand this, I’m letting all that go too. It’s all a part of my past: the pain, infidelity, insecurity, the fear – it’s all part of a former me that was never true to my authenticity. The fear of loss that resulted from childhood trauma and created dysfunctional sexuality and toxic relationships – I’ve learned from all of it and now I’m letting it all go.

Starting Over

The trouble with starting over is, you don’t really know where to start. I’m in this space now. I have nowhere to go but up, but I have no idea how to get up. Yes, I have to believe that I am worthy. Know that I am loved. Know that true love will come into my life. All that good stuff, but my new life is still resting in the shambles of my old one. I am still sitting with the results of an old mindset and the destructive actions that came along with it.
How do I move forward? How do I go on? There are a multitude of limitations in my life due to other circumstances, and it’s quite the challenge to figure out how to move beyond them – how to break out of the mold of the old and create the new. This is where I have to face off with what real manifestation is. It isn’t simply meditating and praying and hoping; I have to take some kind of action. But what action do I take?
What I began with was some spiritual work – some ritual. I did a truth invocation as well as a love and abundance attraction spell during this full moon period to ride the wave of energy that purified us all. In this waning period, I have to prepare for everything that isn’t meant to remain to leave and pray that newness manifests during the next waxing period.
I set the intention to not recreate the life of fear, loneliness, and isolation that I have ended up with. I cleansed my heart chakra, and a deep emotional purge commenced. I allowed myself to dream a new dream life for myself – one more in alignment with my heart’s desire and detached from the way the world tells us we should be or what we should dream of. I let go of my desire to have power and position and embraced a vision of love and family – what I truly want.
But what else do I do? I’m not sure. I have to walk a new walk and talk a new talk, and I really have no clue how to do any of that. I feel like a child going out into the world all over again, but this time I am wiser and more secure in who I am.
I look forward to what this new life has to bring to me, and I pray that the love my heart sings for manifests soon. Finally, I’m ready to receive what I’ve always wanted, and I now know how to make sure it stays – by letting go.
 
Hopefully, you can learn from my lessons and mistakes. So much of the world is in pain and going through the same cycles of destruction because they can’t own their shit, accept things as they are, and let go. My prayer is that through my learning and growing, you can find inspiration to do the same.
Release your burden. It’s time to move on.

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