Posted on: April 19, 2011 Posted by: Felicia S. C. Gooden Comments: 0

What am I going to do?
I need help.
Someone give me a sign.
I pray to God.
Please forgive me for my sins,
Guide me into the light,
And make me whole once more.
But was I ever whole at all?
I had my time dealing with the devil.
The blood oath did nothing for my existence.
I only saw the truth.
So maybe that was something.
The truth is;
This world is doomed.
But until the deed is done,
What am I to do?
I have no idea.
I have no job.
No motivation to hustle talents.
No yearnings to self teach anything I know I can be successful with.
I did not finish college.
I am a slacker.
Part of that you can thank my parental unit for,
Since she pushed me so hard in favor of what SHE was satisfied with.
I had given up,
A lonely high school teenager with no friends.
Smart, yet not smart enough.
Mother was never pleased.
I was always compared to my brother.
“You have to do better than the boys.”
That she would always say.
I just wanted to be me.
But there was no way to know who I really was.
I had no help understanding why everyone I knew judged me.
Even mom judged me.
She judges my lifestyle, what I like to do, who I love.
I am so done.
Yet I am trapped.
I feel like I am under a spell.
Every time I find something inside of me that makes me want to move.
I fall three jumps back.
I can never break free.
I can never live for me.
I can never really be or know me.
I want out.
I want out of this whole thing.
Why am I here?
Is my purpose to suffer for her loneliness?
She had her own issues with men.
Then the passed them on to me,
And anyone else that I choose to become involved with.
Now I have my own problems in paradise.
Please let me go.
Let me be free.
Get me out of here.
Save me please.
I no longer want to be alone.
I don’t want to be angry.
I don’t want to be sad.
I want to get up and go.
I want to be happy.
I want to smile.
I am soo tired of being here.
Sitting in this anger.
I don’t want to be in this depressed state.
This repressed sanity.
Expressed insanity.
I want to be free.
Free to love.
Free to be.
Free to live.
I want to be me.

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