Posted on: June 24, 2014 Posted by: Felicia S. C. Gooden Comments: 0

The path of spiritual evolution requires us to dig into the deepest, darkest corners of our very existences — explore our shadow selves — and reconcile various experiences from this lifetime, or those of the past, that hold us back from manifesting our true Selves. In life we often find that we have failed relationships, career opportunities, and so on due to some trauma that lies deep within the subconscious mind. Many of us seemingly “break” and seek various forms of therapy in order to cope. Those of us who consciously walk our paths of spiritual development often do the work on our own through prayer, meditation, and contemplation. These periods of inner exploration elicit the secrets that dwell within us — the things we want hidden from ourselves and the world around us.
My own personal experience pertains to my personal relationships. I have dealt with an ongoing fear of abandonment and loneliness. My own experiences with feeling alone and fearing that a loved one will leave me — or simply will never love me — caused me to sabotage my own relationships over and over. I’ve taken refuge in my illusion of a security blanket of mistrust. It’s easier to trust that a person will hurt you than it is to trust that a person won’t, isn’t it? This train of thought has proven to be nothing but detrimental, and my deepest pain — and cause of my fear of abandonment — has been brought to the forefront of my mind for reconciliation.

My grandfather, my cousin, and me at age 4.
My grandfather, my cousin, and me at age 4.

My grandfather died when I was 7-8 years old. For most of my life I seemed to be okay with the loss, but recently I have been overwhelmed with feelings of missing him. I have come to realize that maybe I subconsciously took his transition harder than I thought. While reviewing photos from my childhood, my mother showed me a few photos of my grandfather and I. I was so happy and in love with my grandfather, just as a granddaughter should have been. As I contemplated how this loss affected me, I found that he was the only true male figure I had in my life. Although I have two brothers, they were a bit distant due to age difference, and, aside from my grandfather, I never really had a male role model in my life.
Needless to say, I grew up without my father. My mother told me that he was in and out of our lives in my early childhood, but he didn’t really want to raise another child — he felt he was too old. He originally wanted me to be aborted, and if it wasn’t for my mother’s cramps on the day of doom, I would not even be here in this body today. I do have one memory of him though. He was an MTA driver on our route, and my mother was taking me somewhere. When passengers got on the bus, they paid the fare and there was a blue button to be pressed when the total amount was put into the fare machine. The digital numbers that recorded the amount paid were red, and when a full fare was paid, my dad let me push the large blue button to accept the fare. What is unfortunate about this memory is that I cannot remember his face, but I do remember and energetically feel the happiness I felt when helping my daddy do his job. I spent most of my life resenting my father; there’s nothing like being a fatherless daughter. I went through most of my life holding an inward grudge against him, but now I have faced that inner pain, and I am filled with love and forgiveness. The little girl who loved her daddy is now finally being released.
I miss my father and my grandfather very much. Although one truly loved me more than the other, I loved and still love them both with all of my heart. My grandfather died of natural causes, but my father didn’t have to disappear — he chose to. These losses at such a young age have left a large, gaping hole in my heart and in my soul. I have never really known how to love a man in a secure way. I have never known how to love beyond my mother and my flaky brothers. No wonder I had a period of loving women as opposed to men! I’m used to only loving one woman — my mum!
I find that in life and love, our parents play very important roles in our lives, and the love and relationships we have with our parents help to shape and mold how we love others in our most intimate relationships. I now understand that a woman can never truly love a man unless she has a father to love first, and if a woman never has that father figure to love, then it will take a strong man willing to love, teach, and have patience to love her the way she needs to be loved.
Our greatest revelations come to us when we take time to explore and confront our shadow selves — when we explore the depths of our life experiences and pull out the skeletons that are at the root of our emotional and psychological issues. Consciousness evolution is a process of awakening and healing — over and over again. The greatest periods of healing and awakening come when we eliminate the fear of ourselves and our darkest experiences and shine the Divine Light that manifests within ourselves.
We must face our shadow selves, our deepest fears, our darkest experiences, and transmute the energy from fear, anger, and sadness to love and forgiveness. I spent most of my life rejecting the notion of a father figure and I held hate in my heart for my father, but now I have faced my fear of abandonment and I am filled with love. I love my father, and I forgive him.
Explore the depths of your being and find the strength to forgive yourself and those who have hurt you. Transmute the pain of the loss of a loved one into joy for peace manifesting unto the soul of the beloved. Seek and ye shall find the root of all pain and suffering. Ask and relief & peace shall be given unto you! No one has to hurt forever; we all have the capacity to heal not only each other, but also ourselves. Awaken and heal thyself!

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