Posted on: April 19, 2011 Posted by: Felicia S. C. Gooden Comments: 0

I would really like to run away. Being here makes me so sad. What’s interesting about this is that my mother was just saying that she wants to run away, but that’s because my brother was slacking off. Let’s see. My life is pretty ordinary. No money, bills barely paid, I live with my mother at the age of 23. Smh. How about that? How about this? Dialect has changed so much that I am using acronyms, usually meant for an IM or text message, in my regular writing. Gosh! How times have changed.
I simply don’t know what to say. I know that I need to get some things out, but I have no clue where to start. My relationship has been rocky. I don’t know why I bother with it at times. I am with someone that is surely working on herself, but still makes it a point to hurt me. It’s not like she doesn’t know that I am easily hurt, she just likes to get to me at times. It’s ridiculous. But I am “in love”. Smh. We will be at one year in July, not far from now at all. Who knows if we will even make it until that time? I guess I have to keep faith, but sometimes I wonder why. Why should I have so much faith in someone that is so dirty on the inside? People can change, especially when they find God. Yes, she is making improvements for sure, but sometimes I just don’t know. I will hope for the best though.
On from that, my life is a wreck. I was fired from my job back in December, and I have been filling out applications and going on interviews. It seems like it isn’t enough though. I have no form of income, and now my mother has taken my money and spent it from my income tax. She told me not to let anyone spend my money but her. Just to go and spend my money. This is too much for me. I am taking care of her and her home before I can take care of my own small space and myself. I get frustrated because everything seems to be on me in some way. Yes, my mother gets a check to pay the bills, but everything else may as well be up to me. My brother cooks, but I will have to find energy to pick up that task as well since he is always burning up the food, etc.
I think what gets to me the most about my home situation is that, even if I do find a good job with good pay, I will have to still stay at home, under my mother’s roof.
I will have to continue to deal with her overbearing ways. She is a sneaky one. She won’t come in and bother you too much, but just know that you can’t do anything in her house because it is still hers. I have no freedom, but I have to be an adult and live here. I have to take care of her and be under her and tend to her. When do I truly get to tend to myself? Maybe my time for that has passed since I went to college out of state and lived with my cousin in New York for a while. Some times, my life at this moment doesn’t seem real. My life at any moment doesn’t seem real. I have to sit in one space and wonder, what is this life I’m living? How do people see me? Are these people even real? Am I real? Everything is so surreal right now, that I cannot tell the difference, yet I know it all too well. I am SO confused now. I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know where to do, especially since I have nowhere to go, but I need somewhere to go.
I dream sometimes. I dream about, what life would be life had I been popular in grade school. I dream about, how those who put me down my whole life would feel if they saw me finally rise up above them all. I dream about, the looks on their faces when they see me on stage with some celebrity and everyone around them celebrating my talents. You know, I actually lay in my room with the lights off, turn on my ear buds as loud as I can, and play a concert in my head. It’s amazing. But then I turn the tunes off, and open my eyes. Reminded of the nothing that I truly am. I also dream about my writing. I dream about being published. I dream about putting all of my feeling into a book and sharing that book with the world. I dream about what the readers would feel, how the book would be a hit because so many people can relate to me, and not one of them would have to admit it to anyone but themselves. I dream big. I dream a lot. I also wake up. I wake up and realize that I am nothing, nobody. No one has ever liked me and no one ever will; so sad. But it is the truth. I want to be someone that is beautiful and admired. Not worshipped, but noticed in a positive light. I have been in a negative blunder for my whole life, so of course I think badly of myself.
I though my partner was supposed to help me build my confidence through her love and support, but all she does is put me down. She will try to bring me up, when she wants me to roll her a blunt or let her fuck me. That is about it. I have always been good at one thing. Having good pussy. I have the best pussy in Atlanta. I must, because everyone wants that for sure. I have a pretty face and I am intelligent, but scratch that. I was too fast with the wrong person and I guess word got around. Sometimes I just want to sell my body for money so that we will be well financially. I don’t want to be a straight up whore, but then what makes the difference is getting paid for what I already do; let random people fuck me.
I am afraid, afraid to come out of my shell and be noticed. I have always been noticed in a negative light, how will I make this experience different than the last ones? I need new clothes. I need a new identity. I am working on a new look, but that is only working but so much. I feel like there is a black cloud looming over my head. I need some help. I need clarity. I need what I have yet to truly receive. Support.

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